Adventures of a Newlywed Hijabi

Last week, I attended a Round-table discussion organized by the EKOS Research group and sponsored by the Cross-Cultural Round-table for Security (CCRS). As a student with lots of ideas and strong opinions on the state of security in Canada, the issue of politics involving the Muslim community and the marginalization of the said community, I went in prepared for a high level of intellectual discourse and problem-solving strategies. I was ready to learn more about how CSIS, the RCMP and CBSA and the Department of Justice operate and to use that information towards building a more comprehensive strategy when it comes to dealing with various issues involving Muslims, and more broadly, involving other Canadians- our neighbors, coworkers and friends.

 I have never been more disappointed or mortified in my life as I was that day!  First of all, the ratio of adults to youth was strongly skewed. Over all, there were perhaps 5 students in a round-table gathering of 50+ people. Secondly, the ratio was awfully biased towards the South Asian and Middle Eastern community. There were perhaps 10 Caucasian and other ethnic minorities. And as expected, it was members of the South Asian and Middle Eastern communites who dominated the discussion. I wouldn’t have had a problem with that except rather than any productive thoughts and ideas, what was shared were bitter accusations and silly conjecture. It almost appeared as though the Round-table discussion was a free-for-all opportunity for these people to a) show off how politically connected and informed they were, b) lament their personal grievances against their own community (i.e. “My community calls me an apostate.”) or c) viciously attack the agency’s representative and hold them responsible for all their personal grievances. In truth, the experience made me realize the truth behind the stereotypical character of Babur in Little Mosque on the Prairie.

I am a big fan of freedom of speech and respect for everyone. However, at the end of the discussion, I wanted to go apologize to the representatives of CSIS, RCMP and CBSA. I am not an apologist. I strongly feel that there are certain issues that need to be resolved if we are to continue thriving as a nation and as a community. However, the sheer lack of etiquette and tact exercised by members of my own community left me thoroughly ashamed. Rather than working with these agencies towards a mutual goal, we were too busy hurling accusations at them and each other. Instead of coming across as a community that is knowledgeable, eloquent and politically aware, we presented ourselves as ignorant yet pompously verbose individuals. I realize that some of you may be thinking that I am being too harsh but the reality of the matter is that there were times an individual would stand up and start talking (this was during Q&A) and by the time they finished, I had no idea what they had initially started off asking. Comments, meant to be brief, were turned into 20 minute long speeches that had virtually no relevance to the topics at hand.

The Round-table experience made me realize just how important it is for the Muslim students across Canada and North America to raise their voices, to stop letting others speak for them. In retrospect, I didn’t do that at the discussion, simply because it was easier to sit there and be stupefied by the intellectual deficiency in the room than participate and have someone start screaming at me. And that, as everything else, was yet another disappointment in the round-table saga…

This past Monday was my 6 month wedding anniversary. Now, if you’re anything like my husband, you’ll look at me weirdly and say, “who celebrates that?” but for me, it was an important milestone. We had been together half a year, gotten through the bad times and enjoyed lots of good ones. Here are the 6 main lessons I learned in my six months of marriage!

1- You will NEVER know a guy completely until you have lived with him, travelled with him and he has been sick around you.

2- Patience may be a virtue in most life situations, but in marriage, it is absolutely ESSENTIAL if don’t want to spend life in jail for homicide.

3- You MUST respect each other in all ways possible because it will open doors for compromise, which is the lifeblood, the backbone and air-supply of every marriage.

4- Forgiveness is MANDATORY! You cannot and must not hold grudges with each other!

5- Communication is KEY! This may sound like alliteration (of sorts) but you must be able to share your feelings and discuss your problems until you arrive at a reasonable conclusion (which is generally doing things my way).

While most of my above points can be found in self-help books titled along the lines of “How to Save your Marriage” or the “Guide to a Healthy Marriage,” you’ll probably not find this elsewhere and more than likely, this will be the most beneficial for you…

6- In Islam, marriage is fulfilling half your deen and your love for your spouse should stem from your love for Allah (SWT). I learned that praying with my husband, learning about our deen together and sharing other devotional practices brought us so much closer together and strengthened us in our love for our Lord, our deen and for each other.

Disclaimer: While everyone is encouraged to try this at home, the author cannot truthfully claim to be a full-time adherent of the aforementioned practices.